By Milo Yingyangwhatshisname
Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, today knighted Nigel Farage, the former leader of UKIP. Sir Nigel’s mission is, from now on, to ensure a no deal Brexit and establish a New British Empire, by personally leading Her Majesty’s Armed Forces into a worldwide battle for world domination, starting with the annexation of the neighbouring Royal Province of Ireland. Taoiseach Leo Varadkar will be facing charges of treason.
Her Majesty’s decision to bestow knighthood upon the former UKIP leader was driven by the need to put knights to better use again, and Sir Nigel was the only available capable candidate so far. A spokesperson for the royal family told the Daily Mail that “Her Majesty briefly considered the former leader of the EDL , Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, better known by the alias ‘Tommy Robinson’, but decided against it, because of his significant criminal record.”
The mainstream parties, as well as Scottish and Irish nationalists, and Hope Not Hate, all reacted with great disgust and harsh criticism. SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon ranted that it’s “Absolutely unacceptable to bestow such a prestigeous honour upon such a despicable man, who is well known for his racist tendencies.” She was backed up by several MPs from multiple parties, among them Mhairi Black, Nick Boles, Diane Abbott, Amber Rudd and David Lammy. Speaker John Bercow remarked that it must be a well planned Halloween prank, since April Fool’s Day was nearly two weeks ago.
Jeremy Corbyn, the Labour leader, was not available for comment, but according to Piers Morgan, he can be expected to wet his pink panties upon hearing about the landmark event. US President Donald J Trump was delighted to hear the news and didn’t hesitate to call his friend to personally congratulate him. There will be a special Sir Nigel Farage knighthood dinner at the White House later this week. EU leaders are currently making plans to ensure an orderly surrender when Sir Nigel’s forces take Brussels, they don’t currently have the time to make official statements.