Her Majesty The Queen bestows knighthood upon former UKIP leader Nigel Farage

By Milo Yingyangwhatshisname

Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, today knighted Nigel Farage, the former leader of UKIP. Sir Nigel’s mission is, from now on, to ensure a no deal Brexit and establish a New British Empire, by personally leading Her Majesty’s Armed Forces into a worldwide battle for world domination, starting with the annexation of the neighbouring Royal Province of Ireland. Taoiseach Leo Varadkar will be facing charges of treason.

Her Majesty’s decision to bestow knighthood upon the former UKIP leader was driven by the need to put knights to better use again, and Sir Nigel was the only available capable candidate so far. A spokesperson for the royal family told the Daily Mail that “Her Majesty briefly considered the former leader of the EDL , Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, better known by the alias ‘Tommy Robinson’, but decided against it, because of his significant criminal record.”

The mainstream parties, as well as Scottish and Irish nationalists, and Hope Not Hate, all reacted with great disgust and harsh criticism. SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon ranted that it’s “Absolutely unacceptable to bestow such a prestigeous honour upon such a despicable man, who is well known for his racist tendencies.” She was backed up by several MPs from multiple parties, among them Mhairi Black, Nick Boles, Diane Abbott, Amber Rudd and David Lammy. Speaker John Bercow remarked that it must be a well planned Halloween prank, since April Fool’s Day was nearly two weeks ago.

Jeremy Corbyn, the Labour leader, was not available for comment, but according to Piers Morgan, he can be expected to wet his pink panties upon hearing about the landmark event. US President Donald J Trump was delighted to hear the news and didn’t hesitate to call his friend to personally congratulate him. There will be a special Sir Nigel Farage knighthood dinner at the White House later this week. EU leaders are currently making plans to ensure an orderly surrender when Sir Nigel’s forces take Brussels, they don’t currently have the time to make official statements.

Michael Myers to be next Brexit Secretary in final bid to make EU budge on backstop

By Paul Goldthing

Theresa May announced today that she intends to replace Stephen Barclay as Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union and appoint Michael Myers to the position and send him to Brussels on 31 October. The Prime Minister explained that “Mr Myers is a very convincing personality. His deneamour and mannerisms can easily convince others to change their position on just about anything. Even the gentlemen Juncker and Barnier cannot ignore his general appeal and efficiency as a negotiator. He will be our most valuable asset in averting a no deal Brexit.”

Hardline Brexiteers, among them Michael Gove, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnson, described the move as the Prime Minister’s final attempt to regain their support: “We will block any attempt to further negotiate with the EU until Mr Barclay has been reinstated.” Asked why they don’t welcome the Prime Minister’s move, their spokesman, Boris Johnson, explained that “Mr Myers is not qualified to lead any credible negotiating efforts, his lack of speech is only one of many shortcomings in that respect. It would appear as though the Prime Minister aims to appear as tough as Lady Thatcher and knows that she could never achieve that on her own.”

The Prime Minister defended her move: “Mr Myers’ presence at the negotiating table will ensure that the EU leaders will finally start taking the UK seriously and recognise that we hold all the cards. With him on our side, the EU leaders will realise that they need to beg us for a deal if they want their union to survive Brexit.”

EU President Donald Tusk dismissed the Prime Minister’s claims and stated that even former UKIP leader Nigel Farage would be in a better position to assist the Prime Minister in such a capacity. “At least Mr Farage is just arrogant and self-absorbed, whereas Mr Myers could only serve one purpose: Intimidation.” The EU leaders unanimously declared that they will not bow down to Mr Myers and vow to expel the UK from the EU with immediate effect, should Theresa May actually send him to Brussels to make further requests on Brexit Day.

Mr Farage was humbled by Mr Tusk’s statement and raised eyebrows in Brussels by saying that the upcoming New British Empire will be more lenient after its ascent to world domination immediately after leaving the European Union.

Taoiseach alienates UK government with motion to grant EU citizens living in the UK Irish citizenship

By Paul Goldthing

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar caused an uproar among hardline Brexiteer ministers by preparing a bill to grant Irish citizenship to all EU citizens living in the UK.

“Their settlement scheme is a scam, it makes people apply for rights they already have, looks for excuses to strip those rights away, and makes up for scrapping the fee by quietly amending the ID requirement to stipulate a valid document, rather than just the document, which could have been expired, as was previously the case. I also fail to see why ID is needed at all, since the verification process uses government databases fraudsters can’t falsify, and no physical document will be issued, and thus the system can’t be exploited by third persons, unless they managed to bribe an insider.”

Mr Varadkar further explained that people with spent convictions, which must be disregarded by current rules, are being put at the mercy of caseworkers who are given ‘discretion’ on a case-by-case basis, in his view a polite way of saying that the UK government intends to ‘refuse’ as many applications as possible for currently legally invalid reasons.

“If there were to be an Irexit – there won’t be, but let’s for a second assume there was – Ireland would never do that to people it has already embraced, who already made Ireland their home, who have become just as Irish as the rest of us whilst being with us. We can’t bear watching our closest neighbours, who are supposed to be our best friends these days, do it to their more recently added compatriots, and all the while putting the Good Friday Agreement on the line, the very foundation of our peace and friendship. As Irishmen – and Irishwomen – we can’t stand by and watch that happen, we will embrace EU citizens in the UK as our own and grant them citizenship, which will allow them to stay in the UK without having to go through the fraudulent application process the UK government utilises to secure excused deportations of people who can’t be legally deported under existing rules.”

Scottish First Minister, SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon, expressed solidarity with the taoiseach and vowed to keep Scottish lawmakers working all night to find ways how Scotland could assist in Mr Varadkar’s endeavour.

Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage warned Mr Varadkar that his betrayal won’t go unpunished, and the forces of the upcoming New British Empire are on standby to retake the Royal Province of Ireland, to which Mr Varadkar responded with a snort of derision.