Michael Myers to be next Brexit Secretary in final bid to make EU budge on backstop

By Paul Goldthing

Theresa May announced today that she intends to replace Stephen Barclay as Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union and appoint Michael Myers to the position and send him to Brussels on 31 October. The Prime Minister explained that “Mr Myers is a very convincing personality. His deneamour and mannerisms can easily convince others to change their position on just about anything. Even the gentlemen Juncker and Barnier cannot ignore his general appeal and efficiency as a negotiator. He will be our most valuable asset in averting a no deal Brexit.”

Hardline Brexiteers, among them Michael Gove, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnson, described the move as the Prime Minister’s final attempt to regain their support: “We will block any attempt to further negotiate with the EU until Mr Barclay has been reinstated.” Asked why they don’t welcome the Prime Minister’s move, their spokesman, Boris Johnson, explained that “Mr Myers is not qualified to lead any credible negotiating efforts, his lack of speech is only one of many shortcomings in that respect. It would appear as though the Prime Minister aims to appear as tough as Lady Thatcher and knows that she could never achieve that on her own.”

The Prime Minister defended her move: “Mr Myers’ presence at the negotiating table will ensure that the EU leaders will finally start taking the UK seriously and recognise that we hold all the cards. With him on our side, the EU leaders will realise that they need to beg us for a deal if they want their union to survive Brexit.”

EU President Donald Tusk dismissed the Prime Minister’s claims and stated that even former UKIP leader Nigel Farage would be in a better position to assist the Prime Minister in such a capacity. “At least Mr Farage is just arrogant and self-absorbed, whereas Mr Myers could only serve one purpose: Intimidation.” The EU leaders unanimously declared that they will not bow down to Mr Myers and vow to expel the UK from the EU with immediate effect, should Theresa May actually send him to Brussels to make further requests on Brexit Day.

Mr Farage was humbled by Mr Tusk’s statement and raised eyebrows in Brussels by saying that the upcoming New British Empire will be more lenient after its ascent to world domination immediately after leaving the European Union.

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